


The meaning of words

by AlessaKagamine



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Cheating, Feelings Realization, I'm just really bad at tagging, Izaya is depressed, M/M, Romance, Shinra tries to be a good friend, Shizuo doesn't understand anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 21:25:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13326672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlessaKagamine/pseuds/AlessaKagamine
Summary: Since Shizuo and Vorona started dating, Izaya completely avoid the blond. He can't stand this, can't stand thinking Shizuo loves her. As for the blond, he begins to understand more and more about his feelings towards Izaya.





	The meaning of words

**Author's Note:**

> So it's been a while since I wanted to write something about Shizuo being with Vorona but finally understanding who he really loves, which is Izaya. It's not like I hate Vorona but I just don't really like thinking about her and Shizuo as a couple. To me, they're really good friends at most. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this fanfiction, don't hesitate to leave kudos, comments or advices ^^

_He hadn’t wanted it. He hadn’t wanted it at all. Not that way, not today, not when even he wasn’t sure why he was doing it. Of course Vorona was a nice and cute girl, and she wasn’t afraid of him at all so it was normal for Shizuo to agree to date her, even if he wasn’t really (in love with her) sure how it would work. His brother had cheered him up, expressionless as ever, Celty had invited them to come whenever they wanted and Tom-san had congratulated them. Everyone knew, everyone one was happy for him and Shizuo had thought it was a good idea._ _Until now._

_Before him stood Izaya, a few inch from him and Vorona. His first reflex had been to yell at the raven to “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IKEBUKURO, YOU LOUSE!” but no sound left his mouth as he watched the smirk on the other lips fade away and he recalled he was holding hands with the russian girl._

_Silence settled a moment before Izaya seemed to snap out of his thoughts and grinned at him, though his eyes looked empty of any trace of gleeness, and when he spoke his voice was filled with hidden anger._

_“Ara, Shizu-chan. I didn’t know I would interrupt a date between you two, now if you would excuse me.” With that the raven turned around._

_“Izaya, wait!” He didn’t know why he stopped him. Really now, he didn’t owed Izaya anything, it didn’t matter if the other seemed irritated upon seeing him together with his girlfriend. They weren’t even friends so there wasn’t any reason forcing the blond to tell him about it. Nevertheless, why should he feel guilty, remorseful (and dirty) when looking at Izaya._

_Izaya looked back. And he stared at Shizuo. With anger, and other feelings Shizuo didn’t want to acknowledge as hurt, and pure hatred. Everything vanished around them, the street, Vorona, the ground, they were alone, face to face, and the only thing that mattered was the hurtful look Izaya gave him. And then the raven ran. Shizuo cried out his name and tried to follow him, but he failed and he was alone and Izaya was gone and he had lost him and…_

 

 

Shizuo suddenly woke up in his bed, damped with sweat all over his body. The man glanced at the dark room. Everything was as usual, his clock indicating 3 a.m., Vorona asleep next to him, no Flea… Shizuo tried to calm himself seeing as his heart was beating faster from his nightmare.

It had been six months since this scene occured, six months during which Shizuo hadn't heard from the other. Izaya never came back to Ikebukuro and he seemed to be out of his apartment everytime Shizuo stopped by to punch him. No he wasn't worried at all. He only was pissed. Pissed because he couldn’t find any reason why Izaya had left that day and avoided him since then.Or rather, Shizuo didn’t want to find the reason which had become more and more clear after each nights his thoughts went to Izaya. Because there was no way in hell he… could feel that way. Impossible.

In any case, he was at a loss. Even if he didn’t want to admit the truth, he missed Izaya. A lot. He didn’t know why but the fact was he needed to see him. At this rate, Shizuo slowly felt as if he was becoming insane. He had to see Izaya. And there was probably only one person who could tell him where he was.

 

**Shinra’s place, 10 a.m., Tuesday.**

 

“I’m sorry Izaya” the doctor sighted “but I can’t give you more sleeping pills that I already have. Last time you came was two weeks ago and it should have been enough for at least another one.”

Izaya rolled his eyes. He knew it wouldn’t be easy to make Shinra give him the medicine but it wasn’t as if he really had any other choice. Without them, he couldn’t sleep at all and the thoughts that filled him when he was awake drove him insane. And since he really had troubles sleeping, he needed to take at least two (sometimes three, though he wouldn’t admit it to his friend) in order to have a few hours of peace.

“Shinra, I already told you I lost the pills you gave me and can’t sleep so pleeease be a nice friend and hand them over” Though his tone was as energetic as ever, even he could here just how much he was at edge. That wasn’t new, of course. Being the best informant broker in Japan went with a lot of stress, and even though he always was in control, Izaya often had to deal with dangerous situations, especially when concerning a certain blond he had avoided since too much time now, even if Izaya sill couldn’t bring himself to go see him if that meant he would be the witness of another date between this bitch and-

“Did you talk to him ?” Shinra’s voice snapped Izaya from his thoughts and he needed a few seconds before understanding whose Shinra was talking about, though he faked to not understand.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to-”

“Izaya” Shinra cut the raven off “I know you avoid Shizuo now that he has a girlfriend and sure I understand how you feel, after all I would certainly be a deadly man if Celty was to love another but this doesn’t mean you have to-”

“I don’t care. I don’t care at all. If Shizu-chan deceives himself into thinking he can have the peaceful life he had always wanted, then he can go and play with his little russian blonde.”

Saying those words, Izaya stood from his seat on the couch and grabbed his jacket. To hell with the pills, he didn’t want to talk about Shizuo. Not with Shinra, not with anyone. Because he would break, he knew it. Just like he had break this morning, the day before, the past week, the past months, there was no way he was going to cry in front of Shinra. Izaya didn’t cry or at least no one was alive to tell otherwise.

“Please Iz-” But once again the doctor couldn’t finish his sentence for a loud knock could be heard from the other side of the door. He sighted. “Wait a second. If you do I’ll give you some prescription.” He added seeing how the raven was going to protest.Without giving him a chance to replied, Shinra went to the see who had disturbed them.

When heopened the door, Shizuo stormed inside the other apartment.

“Shi-Shizuo ?!” Shinra nearly yelled upon seeing him.

“I need to talk to you about Izaya !” Shizuo started while heading to the ceiling, without a glance to him. When he spoke, he was breathless, a clue he had been running here, eager to finally have some news from the flea.

“I don’t know what he’s been up to recently but he’s been missing since…” Shizuo trailed once he entered the room.

Izaya was standing before him. He was about to smile. Because he would never have guessed going to Shinra would be the best idea he ever had. He was happy beyond belief. He was a fool to worry about losing Izaya, for Izaya was Izaya so there was no way he- wait. Didn’t Izaya look a little bit skinnier than usual ? This first observation drew another one, and another one. Since when Izaya had bags under his eyes ? And why did he seem this tired ?

“Izaya ?” But Izaya didn’t answer. Of course he didn’t.

Why was he here ?! Why did he have to come here today of all days ? Izaya’s eyes widened and he wasn’t able to catch his breath anymore. He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready at all, he thought and then memories from their last encounter filled his mind : Shizuo smiling happily to Vorona while holding hands, only looking at her, as if she was the center of his world, as if Izaya was excluded from his world...

He couldn’t stand it.

And then he ran past Shizuo and dashed to the stairs. It took five seconds for Shizuo to understand what was happening before he followed him, nearly knocking Shinra against a wall. He wasn’t going to escape him, not after avoiding him this long. Shizuo needed explanations. Right now and furthermore...he needed to see him. Fear started to fill him as he realised this was maybe his last chance to catch him before he left. Because somehow, Shizuo knew Izaya wouldn’t come back. Be it because of his instincts or because of the empty look in the raven’s eyes, Shizuo was certain there wouldn’t be any other chance. He never ran this fast in all of their chase.

“IZAYA!”

The informant could hear Shizuo behind him. He was too close. He was running faster when Izaya had a hard time not stumbling on his own feet. He was tired, he was in pain and he didn’t have the strength to being chased. He needed an escape. And right now. He turned sharply in a back alley but cursed himself for his mistake. A dead end.

“Shit” He muttered just as he grabbed his knife and pointed it on Shizuo who had arrived. “Shizu-chan” He began and neither of them failed to notice just how weak he sounded “As you can see, I’m not in the mood to play with you today. Shouldn’t you be doing more important things ? Look, I’m gonna listen to you for once and stay out of your city so please let me go.”

“Where the fuck were you ?!”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Screw you Izaya ! You disappear for months and now you tell me it doesn’t matter ? Fuck you, of course it does ! What’s wrong with you ?”

Shizuo was getting closer as he spoke.

“Nothing Shizu-chan! Nothing I’m perfectly fine !”

“So why are avoiding him?” Shizuo yelled

“It doesn’t matter ! Leave him alone ! Just leave me alone I don’t want to see you !” Izaya yelled back and Shizuo stopped dead in his tracks. Because never in all their fight Izaya had looked at him with so much anger, so much hate. Usually it was Shizuo who was angry, not Izaya. Izaya always smirked, Izaya always seemed confident in front of him, Izaya always insulted him and teased him. And now he was serious. He wasn’t playing anymore.

Izaya never avoided him, he never left him, he was always the one coming back to him. Izaya was screwing with his head but he was a part of his life, the only one who always came back even after their fights, no matter if Shizuo had hurt him. Izaya was his only constant.

Shizuo stood still, his brain had stopped to work and taking the chance which was giving to him, Izaya quickly left the alley, passing next to Shizuo who barely reacted. Once again in the street, Izaya took the path to Shinjuku. The protozoan seemed as if he wasn’t going to chase him anymore. The sense of relief Izaya felt upon thinking about it was soon replaced by the feel of emptiness he was used to.

In the alley, Shizuo remained still, even half an hour after Izaya had left. He didn’t understand what was going on. Why… was it happening ? Had he done something wrong ? Did the flea finally grew tired of playing with him and had decided to leave him, just as Shizuo had always wanted ? Upon thinking about it, Shizuo realised just how much he had been wrong, because, now that Izaya was leaving, he understood it was the last thing he had ever wanted. Those six months had been an hell to live, and the following promised to be the same, if not worse.

Was there something Shizuo could do ? Maybe if he tried to apologize to Izaya, things could go back to what they were ? But what should he apologised for ? He didn’t know what was the probleme. He would do anything to make Izaya come back. But there was nothing to do, for Izaya didn’t play by any rules but his own. All of this could be one of his scheme, for all Shizuo knew. But… the look the raven gave him, the way he had let his emotions take control over his mask, this wasn’t how Izaya acted, this wasn’t how he played. And Shizuo couldn’t stand it.

Slowly the blond let himself seat on the floor and took his head in his hands. It was over, wasn’t it ?

 

**Izaya’s apartment, Shinjuku 1 a.m., Wednesday.**

 

Izaya was laying on his couch, all lights turned off. The room was illuminated by the city’s lights though the raven couldn’t care less. His mind was filled with unnecessary thoughts on another sleepless night. He chuckled. He should have go back to Shinra’s, he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to wander in Ikebukuro for he could meet Shizu-chan again, or worse, Shizu-chan and his russian girl. And so he was once again awake early in the morning, when his body couldn’t move and his thoughts didn’t make any sense, his knees brought back to his belly, his arms around his head and tears rolling quietly on his face. What a sight to behold: Orihara Izaya, the best information broker in all Ikebukuro, in such a pitiful state. The raven chuckled once again.

Really now, he always knew Shizuo would be the death of him, be it figuratively or literally, but he didn’t thought he’d hurt this much. Maybe Shizu-chan was right. Maybe he was paying for all his bad actions, and his suffering was his karma telling him he deserved even worse than death. Should have figured it would happen. It couldn’t play forever like this. Things wouldn’t change. He wouldn’t change, even if he wanted to, because he was who he had always wanted to be, and his relationship with Shizuo was how he had wanted it : destructive, unhealthy, full of hatred and lies… That’s what he had wanted all along. That’s what he…

TO HELL WITH IT !

Suddenly, Izaya rose from the couch and threw the phone on the table to the television, breaking both of them and making glass shattered. Izaya wanted to scream. He had never wanted all of this ! It was bullshit ! He knew it ! Knew he hated the way things were, the way Shizu-chan looked at him with nothing but hatred. Izaya wasn’t stupid! The only reason why he had done all those awful things to Shizuo was just in order to not be forgotten, because Izaya was nothing to him, he didn’t care, he never cared about him or about his feelings. Because Izaya was empty, right ? He didn’t feel anything because he was a god, right ? Shizuo could say anything, throw anything at him he would never get hurt because he was just the flea, right ?! RIGHT ?!

And as fast as he had throw his phone, Izaya became once again calm, before laughing hysterically. He sat on the floor, looking at the ceiling without seeing it. Why did he have to fall in love ? Wasn’t he supposed to love all humans equally ? _But Shizu-chan isn’t human_ , a little voice whispered in his head. Of course he wasn’t human. Shizuo had to be a monster, otherwise Izaya couldn’t love him above humanity.

Izaya’s gaze fell upon his switchblade beside him. What would the monster do if Izaya died ? How would he react ? Would he be happy ? Would he feel guilty ? Izaya could make him feel that way, could convince him it was all his doing. It was easy. All he would have to do was to left a note behind him, he wouldn’t even have to lie, the truth about his feelings would be enough. And then Shizuo would suffer, because he was more human than anyone, because he would regret everything he had told him, because he already hated himself, because he wasn’t Izaya and Izaya was the real monster. A few years ago, Izaya may have do it. He would have taken his blade and sliced his throat, or even his vein, leaving a little note about how much it was the blond’s fault, how he could have prevent Izaya from killing himself if just he had talk to him a little nicer, had tried to understand him, even though it wouldn’t really be Shizuo’s doing.

But Izaya realised he couldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t his fear of death that prevented him to. He was just… too tired. And to be honest, Shizuo’s despair had since long enough stopped to be a source of glee. Maybe this was what hurt him the most. Not the hatred of Shizuo, but how he could be this happy without him, because he wasn’t here, because he had find someone he really loved. Izaya couldn’t stand this anymore. It was too much. He couldn’t see Shizuo without breaking, if the tears flowing on his face was any indicator.

…

…

…

But why should he stay ?

…

…

…

Shizuo was gone.

…

…

…

His sisters, though they loved him, had grown independante a long time ago. They didn’t need him anymore.

…

…

…

Shinra had Celty.

…

…

…

Nobody would miss him, not that he’d make any complain, he would hardly miss one of them (except for Shizu-chan but that's another story) so why was he still here ? What if he wanted to leave the city ? Why couldn’t he ? Money wasn’t an issue, familie wasn’t an issue. Friends, job, clients, even borders weren’t an issue so why was he still here ? Shizuo was gone. So why wouldn’t he leave too ?

Izaya slowly made his way to his cellphone on the floor and picked it up. The screen was broken but he could use it. Scrolling through his contact, Izaya called one of them, the one person he needed to talk before leaving because without his approval, things wouldn’t be so easy. The man answered on the third ring :

“Hello Shiki-san ? I’m sorry about the hour but I need to talk to you.” And for the first time in a while Izaya was completely sure about his actions.

 

** Somewhere in Ikebukuro, 4:25 p.m., Thursday. **

 

Shizuo’s phone rang just as he waved goodbye to Tom-san and Vorona. The blond had been in a bad mood all day and thus Tom had sent him back to home early. Shizuo would have insist to stay but Vorona induced him to follow this order. Shizuo sighted before picking up (without looking at the screen) and planing to tell whoever called him to fuck of.

“Hello, who is-”

“He’s leaving.” Shinra’s voice cut Shizuo mid sentence and everything around him seem to disappear as he listened to this three words. Something sank in his stomach, he lost his breath and focus on everything other than the voice on the other end of the line and the meaning of this words. Because he didn’t need further explanation to know who Shinra was talking about, didn’t need to ask how long he would leave. He just knew and that scared him.

“When ?” Shizuo asked but his own voice seemed so far away, though Shinra heard him since he answered :

“Tomorrow morning. He came an hour ago to tell me he-”

“Where is he now ?” Shizuo remained calm, he didn’t raise his voice, just waited for the other to answer.

“In his apartment I think. He needed to pack up a few things tonight so I don’t think he will be out.”

Shizuo ran.

 

Turned out Shinra was wrong : Izaya wasn’t at home. In fact, he wasn’t anywhere in Shinjuku as far as Shizuo knew (and he knew a lot considering he had been running throughout the entire city in hope of finding the raven). And so he was now back in Ikebukuro, looking everywhere but never catching a trace of Izaya, even though he had been searching for hours. By now the sun was setting and Shizuo still had no clue where Izaya could be wandering.

He had tried Russian’s Sushi, Shinra’s, the twins, hell he even went to some shitty yakuza he thought Izaya was working with. But no one had seen him. Vorona had called him, he had hanged up when she told him she didn’t know where Izaya was.

As he kept running along the street, he suddenly heard roars coming from the road. The blond turned his head to find Celty coming to him.

“Have you seen Izaya ?!” He almost yelled, panting.

_No but I might know where he is_ , the dullahan typed on her pad.

“Where ?” Celty “looked” at him, as if considering giving him the information. After a few seconds that lasted hours to Shizuo, Celty asked him :

_What will you do if you find him ?_

At this, Shizuo opened his mouth but finally closed it. What will he do ? Even he didn’t know. Shizuo didn’t know why he was looking for Izaya, he didn’t know why he cared about the fact the flea was here or not, he didn’t know why he was afraid at the sole thought of Izaya leaving. The only thing he was sure about was the aching he felt as Shinra called him, an aching that wouldn’t disappear as long he wouldn’t find Izaya. That was enough.

“I must find him.” Shizuo simply said, but through this words Celty seemed to understand a lot, because she told him to climb on Shooter. She never drove this fast with Shizuo sitting behind her, and Shizuo was really grateful she didn’t slow down for once. She left him in front of a huge building, pointing at the rooftop. Shizuo barely thanked her before he dashed inside. Izaya was there, sitting on the edge of the roof behind the fence, his feet hovering the void, gazing at the city beneath them. The moon was already high in the sky by the time Shizuo arrived.

“Izaya.” Shizuo merely said. Izaya didn’t look at him. He remained still, though Shizuo would have sworn he had jolted.

“Fancy seeing you here Shizu-chan, I didn’t know you were a suicidal teenager.” Izaya chuckled to himself, completely losing Shizuo in the process.

“What ?”

“It’s nothing your tiny brain could understand,” Izaya muttered before finally jumping on his feet and turning to face him, though he was still at the edge of the building, as if he was certain he wouldn’t fall.

“What can I do for Shizu-chan today ?”

“You’re leaving” Shizuo stated. Izaya smirked. He looked normal, if not for his eyes.

“Why, Shizu-chan, are you going to miss me ?” His voice grated Shizuo’s ears. He looked almost normal. As if things were as usual.

Shizuo remained silent for a while, and they stared at each other, as if their eyes could tell what they weren’t able to. Izaya was the first to speak again, his voice devoid of any teasing for once, as if he was too tired to even try:

“I’m leaving” he agreed, and Shizuo found himself aching even more in his chest. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while and since I don’t really have any reason to stay, I thought it would be good to see another place.” Izaya was obviously lying, because since when did he want to leave Shinjuku or Ikebukuro ? And why was he so calm after his tantrum the day before ? “There’s a lack of informants in Yokohama, anyway so I thought maybe I could go there” Izaya kept rambling “And Shiki-san can live without me here as long as I help him in my new city”.

“How long ?” Shizuo asked, his voice as empty of emotions as Izaya’s was from teasing. Izaya seemed to ponder :

“I don’t… really plan to come back. In fact, there’s a huge chance that I will remain in Yokohama if I don’t need to come back for my job or my sisters.”

_Except if you suddenly decide you’re gay and love me, that is_ , Izaya thought but even to him his joke was only hurting a little more, as if he didn’t feel desperate at this point.

“So you’re really leaving.” Shizuo whispered to himself and Izaya barely heard him.

“Yes I am. Rejoice Shizu-chan ! You’re finally free of me and my schemes. You can finally have what you have always wanted ! A boring, peaceful life !” Izaya sang as if it didn’t hurt. Shizuo didn’t answer. Glancing a last time at Ikebukuro, Izaya turned his back to Shizuo.

He was… glad the blond had found him, though he hadn’t expected him to. At first, Izaya had wanted to avoid him, but it was kind of symbolic, saying goodbye to the protozoan at the same time as the city. And for once Shizuo didn’t try to kill him, which has to be because he didn’t need to, seeing as Izaya was leaving him. Really, things could have been worse tonight. Not that they would be any better tomorrow.

At the same moment, Shizuo realised Izaya was leaving him. For good this time. He realised he had lost him. He realised he wouldn't see him anymore. No. This wasn't true. He couldn't leave him, right ? He wouldn't. Shizuo wouldn't have to live without Izaya, would he ? Impossible. Impossible. Oh god please no he couldn't he couldn't.

Izaya slowly jumped behind the fence to the ground of the roof but before he could make any step further, Shizuo charged to him, and pushed him against the fence whose he had been sitting behind. He took Izaya’s hands and pinned them against it, preventing the raven to move, before he yelled at Izaya :

“You’re not fucking leaving ! I don’t know what’s going on with you but don’t you dare think you can go just like that, I’m not fucking letting you go!” His eyes were filled with anger, so much anger Izaya nearly shivered because never in his life had he seen Shizuo this angry, even against people who had insult his brother, even against him. And for once, he hadn’t done anything.

“Wha-”

“Shut the fuck up ! You think you can go fucking around in my life for years and now just leave as if you don’t care anymore ! You’re not going anywhere !”

“Why aren’t you happy ?!” Izaya shouted back. “Isn’t that what you always wanted ? Me leaving you alone ? Isn’t that what you told me all those times I’ve been around ?”

“I don’t want you to leave !” Shizuo screamed and though his eyes widen at this realisation, Izaya seemed to go insane :

“You hate me Shizu-chan ! You hate me ! I’m not going to believe you want me to stay because you told me you idiot ! You hate me !”

“No I don’t-”

“Of course you do : There’s no way you feel something other than hatred towards me, I already know that so why do you pretend you don’t want me to leave ? You hate me !”

“I love you Izaya ! I fucking love you so stop saying I hate you because I don’t and I don’t want you to leave me!” Shizuo nearly cried and this seemed to calm Izaya since he froze and didn’t say anything after that.

Shizuo registered his own words. He...loved Izaya. What he could never bring himself to admit before has been so easy to say at this moment. It didn’t matter now anyway, not if Izaya was leaving for good. The aching lessen a little but didn’t go away, for even if he had finally understood his own feelings, if Izaya left then it was useless and he would have prefered coming back to how he thought he felt towards the raven. The blond glanced back at Izaya, but the raven had closed his eyes. He didn’t move either, just breathed slowly, as if to calm himself.

This was not happening, right ? Shizuo hadn’t said those words, right ? He was dreaming; Izaya calmly thought. That was it. He was still sleeping and so his mind was playing a trick on him. Or he was finally completely insane. But the warm of Shizu-chan’s bare hands on his was telling him otherwise. It was telling him everything was real and he wasn’t dreaming. So why ? Izaya finally opened his eyes again but didn’t look back at Shizuo.

“You’re lying, right ?” He whispered, and he could have cursed himself the way his voice waved.

“What ? No, I’m not ! Why the fuck would I say that if it wasn’t true ?”

“I don’t know, you tell me Shizu-chan !” Izaya shouted, angry. Angry at the protozoan for playing with him, angry at him for trying to make Izaya stay when he had finally decided to leave, angry at himself for wanting to believe such words even though they weren’t true.

“Why ?” The raven’s voice broke as he spoke and he finally looked at Shizuo. The blond felt as if he had been punched at the sight of tears in the other eyes, because Izaya didn’t cry. “Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed ? I gave up ! I gave up and you’re destroying everything once again ! I know I’ve ruined your life but aren’t you supposed to be the nice one ? Being this cruel doesn’t suit you at all, Shizu-chan ! Why must you come when I finally gave up ? What do you want from me ?”

“I want you to stay !” Shizuo yelled desperate at this point. Why was Izaya reacting like that ? Why couldn’t he believe him ? And why would he be this angry believing Shizuo was lying ? It’s not like it did matter to him, right ?

“But why ?” Izaya repeated “You wanted me gone all those time ? You don’t need me around, you never did, so why can’t you just-” A pair of lips prevented the raven from finishing his question.

Shizuo kissed Izaya. It was desperate, needy, wild but Shizuo didn’t care. He just… wanted Izaya. To hell with everything else. He brought the raven closer with one of his hand, embracing him as if he would lose him. Because he could, maybe this was the last time he saw Izaya. Please, stay, he found himself to think as he deepened the kiss. What would he do if Izaya rejected him ? He didn’t know. The raven wasn’t moving, he remained still,and Shizuo grow more and more helpless. But Izaya didn’t push him. He kissed him back, slowly, as if too shy. He wrapped his arms around the blond as the latter brought them closer and then things went quickly.

Izaya deepened the kiss too, and took support against the fence, making Shizuo follow him. His chest was aching from being pressed against the blond this tightly but he didn’t care, because right now Shizuo was kissing him and so nothing else mattered. Shizuo tried to pull away to catch his breath, but Izaya’s fingers on his hair pulled him into another kiss. Shizuo complied, because he didn’t want to stop either, he couldn’t stop. Their tongues tangled together, just as they pressed their bodies. The kiss was sloppy, messy, both of them were panting into it, and neither of them stopped until they barely could stand. Shizuo let his forehead against Izaya’s as they tried to catch their breath but he didn’t let go of him, an arm still around the other’s waist, his hand a fist on the fabric of the shirt.

“I'm begging you. Don't go.” Shizuo whispered and Izaya pretended to believe that the blond needed him. He pretended to believe that Shizuo loved him as much as he did. He would deal with reality in the morning. Not now. Not when they were so closed Izaya thought his heart could break.

 

** Shinjuku, Izaya's apartment, 3:38 a.m., Friday  **

 

Neither remembered how they got there. Not that it mattered. Not that they cared.

But here they were, in Izaya’s bedroom, completely naked, their bodies pressed together as they moved in synchronisation, the room filled with Izaya's moan and Shizuo’s panting. Shizuo was still kissing Izaya, and the other's hand was still on his hair, pulling at it in order to deepened their kiss. Shizuo’s was leaving marks on the raven’s hips and with each thrust the heat was becoming unbearable for the two of them.

Izaya wrapped his legs around Shizuo’s waist just as the other thrusted harder into him. He broke the kiss, unable to breath anymore. He could feel drool near his mouth but didn't make any move to wipe it. Shizuo felt the loss of Izaya’s lips on his. And so he went to his throat. He didn't kiss it, he bit it. He bit it to the point he started to taste blood. Bit he didn't stop. Because Izaya was his, because he belonged to him and he had to remind it to Izaya, to anyone who would want to try to steal him, to push them apart. He needed a proof that Izaya wouldn't leave, that he wasn't lying, playing with him. Because he couldn't stand it.

_What a beast_ , Izaya thought when he felt Shizuo’s teeth on him. And he would have laugh if he wasn't enjoying it, if he didn't love Shizuo’s dominance, as if Izaya was his to claim. What an amazing thought. Izaya knew. He knew he would regret it in the morning, when Shizu-chan would leave because he would remember just how much he hated Izaya. But maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he would stay, maybe he was honest and… and it didn't matter anyway because Izaya wouldn't stop in any case. He couldn't. Be it the truth or his mere imagination, Shizuo was still kissing him at this moment, nothing else mattered to him.

With a particularly hard thrust, his body bend against Shizuo, he moaned louder, saying Shizuo’s name over and over again. Not his real name though, his nickname. And Shizuo loved it, asked to hear more, because it was like the bites, it was a proof of Shizuo belonging to Izaya, of him letting Izaya do what he wanted with him, with his life, of Izaya loving him.

Shizuo left the raven’s throat and look at him.Izaya was beautiful. He was Shizuo’s demise, he was Shizuo’s violence, he was everything to Shizuo. And Shizuo wanted him, wanted him to be his end if that meant he was his.

Izaya opened his eyes and look at Shizuo. Shizuo was perfect.He was Izaya’s weakness, he was Izaya’s humanity, he was everything to Izaya. And Izaya wanted him, wanted him to kill him if that meant he loved him.

And they kissed again, unable to stay apart any longer. Shizuo increased his pace and slammed into Izaya harder, leaving them breathless as they came together.

Shizuo stayed with Izaya this night.

 

The sound of his cell phone woke up Shizuo. He knew where he was. He knew what he had done the night before. And the blond couldn't bring himself to regret. Because Izasa was still in his arms, sleeping so peacefully Shizuo would have never guessed he could, because Shizuo loved him.

He took his device and didn't even bother to look at who was calling him before turning it off. He had hopped the ringtone wouldn't wake up Izaya, but the raven suddenly open his eyes. They looked at each other. Shizuo didn't know what to say. Izaya did.

“What will you do ?” he said and though he had whispered this words, they sounded loud to Shizuo’s hear.

Another day, Shizuo could have ask what he was talking about, but surprisingly he understood the meaning of this words right away. Izaya was afraid. Afraid Shizu-chan was already regretting the night before, afraid he would go back to Vorona, afraid of losing him. But he tried to remain calm on the outside, as if it didn't matter to him. Because he wanted the truth, no matter how it’d hurt.

Slowly, Shizuo closed the distance between them. Before he kissed Izaya, he only said three words. But these three words were enough for Izaya, who kissed him back.

 

**Ikebukuro, Shizuo’s apartment, 8 p.m., Friday**

 

Shizuo had spent the rest of the day at Izaya’s and, to be honest, he had never felt this alive during the past months. They had sex, of course, but they had talked. In fact there was a lot to explain, be it Izaya’s behaviour or Shizuo getting a girlfriend. It had been hard sometimes, because they still couldn’t understand that neither of them would leave the other now.

Shizuo had finally understood what he wanted, and it was Izaya. But he had to do something before finally be free to be with him.

“Vorona, I… need to talk to you.” The ex-bartender said, scratching the back of his head, feeling uneasy. They were currently sitting on his couch, Vorona looking at him quietly, emotionless.

“I-” Shizuo started but closed his mouth. God this was difficult. He felt guilty. Really guilty. Because he had cheated on Vorona, a nice girl who didn’t deserve it, and because he was going to break up with her, and the only reason why was he had been silly enough to think he hated Izaya all these time. But he didn’t regret it. Because he loved Izaya, because he had stopped to lie to himself about his feelings and needed to do the same with the russian girl, thought he didn’t know how. “Shizuo-senpai,” Vorona spoke, snapping him from his thoughts,

“Does it have something to do with Orihara Izaya ?” Although she seemed calm, Shizuo could tell she was at the edge of crying. Fuck. And he hadn’t even started to explain !

“Yes, yes it does.” The girl only nodded then, and smiled at Shizuo. It was a sad smile, something Shizuo had grown accustomed recently. _She doesn’t deserve this_ , he thought again, but he wouldn’t change his mind. He closed his eyes, and let out a sigh. He was ready to tell her.

“I wish you two a lot of happiness.” Shizuo widened his eyes at Vorona’s whispered words. Tears had rolled on her cheeks but she kept a smile on her face. She continued before Shizuo could speak “I knew from the beginning what you felt towards this man was something more complicated than sole hatred but I kept dreaming you wouldn’t realised it. But it seemed, as I saw you seeking for him yesterday and you didn’t come back until tonight, that you now know.”

And thus she stood from the couch and walked toward the door. Shizuo didn’t try to stop her. It would have been useless, because he couldn’t do anything for her. He had been unfair to her, and this was something he would regret, but he couldn’t bring himself to think he was acting wrong, that what he had decided the night before, when he had followed Izaya home, was a mistake. Because it wasn’t.

So instead of calling Vorona back, Shizuo grabbed his cell phone and called one number, while he lighted a cigaret :

“Can I come over ?” He simply said as the other answered.

“Ne Shizu-chan, are you already unable to live without me ?” Izaya chuckled at the other line of the phone.

“Been a while I am,” The blond laughed before speaking more seriously yet still softly “I told her.”

“Did you now ?” Izaya’s voice soften at that, and relief could be hear in it. In all honesty, he had been quite fidgy since the moment Shizuo had left to talk to Vorona, he had been afraid the other would change his mind though he didn’t.

“Well, she kinda guessed what was happening too.”

“I didn’t think she was this perceptive.” Izaya was lying, of course. There was no way he hadn’t noticed the russian’s intelligence. And even though Vorona was still one of his humans, Izaya didn’t felt one bit sorry for her. He couldn’t.

“Anyway,” Izaya smirked, “ you must know I am but a busy man Shizu-chan and it will be hard enough some time to-”

“Cut you crap I’m coming in any case.” Shizuo growled but there wasn’t any anger in his voice.

“Do as you want, then protozoan.” Izaya smiled to himself. He couldn’t wait.

Just before he hung up, Shizuo started to speak again : “Oi Flea.”

“What is it ?”

“I love you.”


End file.
